I have a lot on my mind nearly all the time and an obscure Starcraft site (I can hear the rage already, "OBSCURE, SAY WAT." I mean obscure in the sense that it's not ingrained into every Jane and Johny by the mass media) seems as good a place as any to say it.
I've called this blog Growing Up for two reasons: to discuss my evolution as an individual from birth to now, and to analyze any ongoing changes. Put bluntly, I like putting things in order, and the only way to know what's relevant and what's not is to write them down and dig into them. And what's more fun, blogging or keeping a journal hidden under the pillow?
Some things to keep in mind: I'm unemotional, and for the part a very rational person. If you see some sort of flaw in my arguments, then say so calmly and without charge. thnx
That being said, let the blog begin.
Contradiction--to me, at least--is a cardinal sin. It indicates that you have no idea what you believe. It's signatory to every weakness that I despise. And yet, in some ways, I feel contradictory. This is unavoidable, but I'm having trouble working through the problem, moreso than usual.
I feel like two people: the first a very driven boy who wants to master the world, the second a social adept who can make and keep friends easily. Some will say that this isn't a contradiction; you're wrong. It's a contradiction because every human being has energy for only one of two things: production and consumption. The former runs parallel to the boy who masters the world, the latter to the social adept.
At times I don't care about people, other times I desperately want them. When I don't care about people I'm constructive: writing, reading, working out. When I want them I waste time, say, setting up a Pokemon Black Tournament between my friends (don't hate). See the problem?
To use The Lonely Crowd as an analogy, I'm an inner-directed person stuck in an other-directed world. Or I'm an unholy hybrid between the three archetypes. Either way I have to figure this out before I go insane.
"When faced with a contradiction, check your premises. You'll find that one of them is wrong." - Ayn Rand
Easy to say, but what are the premises in the first place? That I'm a sociable person? Hardworking? Driven? Or do I change between them as the weather changes between seasons? You're supposed to have an identity crisis at 13, not 19. And I refuse to call this an identity crisis, because I know what I want out of life and I know what type of person I have to be to achieve that.
But people are confusing to me. At once empty and full of life. Relationships are likely guessing games: what is this person thinking and how can I coexist with this train of thought? If you disagree with someone you're called malignant and branded an outcast; if you guess correctly, suddenly your thoughts become their thoughts, and vice versa. It's a zero-sum game and I don't like playing it.
My two best friends--thankfully--are honest people with their own opinions. They're stubborn and proud.
I recall a girl I met a few weeks before a big move. She started talking to me and eventually she said something like, "you looked like you needed someone to talk to you." Great girl. Good person. But she and nearly every one of my friends is thousands of miles away from me. Why do I have these people on facebook when they don't miss me and my missing them dwindles with each passing day? I'm fine with being alone, so why cling to them? I don't have 400 friends, I know 400 caricatures of people.
That being said, perhaps it's not as contradictory as I thought. I had friends--people I loved for the content of their character--and now they're gone. I'll make new friends, people who are as stubborn as I am, undemanding in their intentions because they know no man should live for any other man. I can be sociable with my kind of character while being driven.
The past bothers me to no end, but it's not important. You see, I'm imprinting my present self onto my past self, and I see the driven boy superimposed onto the sociable boy; I erase the past and the image clears itself.