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Outside of Starcraft I like to.... write, stuff. Pretty big on poetry and all that stuff. Well, I haven't looked at the poetry on this desktop since March 2009... I did some editing of stuff I wrote last year, check it out:
Version A: Tag On Roof
+ Show Spoiler +
Here we play
On rooftops whistling
Cool air blowing windless
Through wispy hair
The smoke-haze
Clouding horizon
doesn’t bother us
He’s tagged me it
I chase him
Deafening whistle, flashing
Flames ash dancing
A devilish duet
Only charred remains,
Rubble and debris know
Whether I tagged him back
… another flash
Version B: A Game of tag
+ Show Spoiler +
Here we play
On rooftops, whistling
Cool air blows windless
Through wispy hair
The smoke-haze
Clouds horizon
doesn’t bother us
He tags me IT
I chase after
A Deafening whistle,
\flash
Flames erupt ash dances
A devilish duet
Spinning in the wind.
\flash
...
Version A: Nom Nom Nom
+ Show Spoiler +
caught in updrafts uplifting
wind’s lethargy heavy lightness
blowing me up I’m spinning
but twirl back down
while mouth sinking
into majestic cupcakes
nom nom nom
Version B: Nom Nom Nom
+ Show Spoiler +
my mouth sinks
sensuously into
majestic cupcakes
while the bitch,
wind blows my hair
nom nom nom
dun care
got cupcakes
....
Version A: the weekend poet
+ Show Spoiler +
peeled skin surface
found what was beneath
jargon of alkane reactions
functional groups;
of dependency theory,
democratic divergence
I am a bipolar balance of power,
but on weekends
I'm just a poet.
spell it out or write a
formula
if you integrate the weekend poet
you get...
I'm not falsifiable
(I'm only telling you this because it's
Saturday.)
the aloof poet is dead.
I am its contradiction
you can be too
lamp shade nods in agreement
Picasso's Pidgeon with its pencil'd wings
looking down at my rice cooker
there's a softness surrounding me
sunday night I de-mask
like rorschach my true faces unseen
mask-donning embarking on
literary shenanigans
\
Version B: the weekend poet
+ Show Spoiler +
peeled skin surface
found what lay beneath
jargon of alkane reactions
functional groups;
of dependency theory,
democratic divergence
I am a bipolar balance of power,
on weekends
I'm just a poet.
spell it out or write formulae
optimize the function through
integration?
I am the Riemann sum
I'm not falsifiable
(I'm only telling you this because it's
Saturday.)
the aloof poet is dead.
I am its contradiction
you can be too
lamp shade nods in agreement
Picasso's Pidgeon with pencil'd wings
looks down at my rice cooker
There's a softness surrounding me.
sunday night I unmask
like Rorschach, my true face: unseen
mask-donning I embrace
literary shenanigans
\
I posted the original version and the edited version, anyway for those that enjoy poetry, there ya go.
I usually post a lot of the stuff I write on my blog, including my short stories and other articles (academic stuff if anyone is interested):
My blog can be found, DuranParsi on Wordpress.
enjoy~
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caught in updrafts uplifting
Stop right there. It takes a moment for this to... sink in.
wind’s lethargy heavy lightness
blowing me up I’m spinning
You describe the motion of objects, but this doesn't quite tell me how you feel.
but twirl back down
Ok, twirling is a verb that I can relate to. Joy, elation, carefreeness.
while mouth sinking
very good.
into majestic cupcakes
What is majestic about the cupcakes? Does this really add anything to the poem or were you searching for a descriptor? If there is something majestic about the cupcake, don't hide it -- elaborate on the details that make it obviously majestic.
nom nom nom
I don't feel like onomatopoeia alone captures the tangible pleasure you're trying to grasp. At best, its esoteric etymology and interjection function can act provide contrast to the rigidity of formal writing. For reasons already mentioned, I don't think you're being candid with the reader about your emotions -- so this contrast (an ejaculation really) is at best an explosion of resistance against formality, a fuck you.
But you're clearly not coming out of your shell. I think this indicates that there is a tremendous amount of weight on your mind that this cupcake can only provide a brief relief.
+ Show Spoiler +Always happy to psychoanalyze poetry.
I would compare this to a Li-Young Lee (excerpt)
O, to take what we love inside,
to carry within us an orchard, to eat
not only the skin, but the shade,
not only the sugar, but the days, to hold
the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into
the round jubilance of peach.
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I thought the majesticness of the cupcakes was self evident.
...
and why are you so hung up on emotion? why does poetry need to reflect emotion? i'm not even saying mine doesn't , but modern/post-modern poetry is trending towards a more analytic exploration of the use of words, syntax, and language rather than emotional appeal.
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Well there is something about the cupcake that I think should be said. It is frosted and adorned with sprinkles. A tenderly crisped crown plump, resting on its dignified stump
It's not about romanticism or sentimentalism, but it isn't clear what you're trying to communicate without drawing the reader's attention to something they can readily relate to -- usually from sensory experience, and use this as a preamble to conceptual experience. Going for the human senses and tangibility is a very effective way to conceptually hook your reader.
Which modern poets do you like? I think Sharon Olds (to name one) is pretty good. Big fan of William Stafford also.
v v v Hemingway was a genius, a true artists with words. He could paint a complete scene with a handful of simple words. To be polite though, we shouldn't start talking about other poets on Xeris's blog. :X
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On December 22 2010 18:23 mmp wrote:
It's not about romanticism or sentimentalism, but it isn't clear what you're trying to communicate without drawing the reader's attention to something particular. Going for the human senses and tangibility is a very effective way to conceptually hook your reader.
Sure, just look at what Hemingway accomplished in his writing.
But on the other hand, look at what Joseph Conrad accomplished in his.
On December 22 2010 18:13 Xeris wrote:
I thought the majesticness of the cupcakes was self evident.
...
and why are you so hung up on emotion? why does poetry need to reflect emotion? i'm not even saying mine doesn't , but modern/post-modern poetry is trending towards a more analytic exploration of the use of words, syntax, and language rather than emotional appeal.
It sounds like you're viewing your own work too one-dimensionally. You have to consider what a reader might infer as well as your intended implication in self-analysis. If mmp can make a solid case for what an image represents, then that interpretation is something to consider. Analyzing poetry is really very similar to writing it. Words and contexts can mix to create several different meanings, and a poet must be mindful of all of them and write in a way that successfully conveys a message that means all of them rather than choosing the one he finds most relevant. The same principle applies in analyzing poetry. Different meanings coalesce. That isn't to say that any interpretation is necessarily correct, but any good, well-thought-out interpretation adds to the overall meaning of a work.
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Poor Xeris, stuck with a couple of critics and know-it-alls. ^^ :p
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You should write indie songs instead. These poems are perfect for the lyrics.
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On December 22 2010 18:13 Xeris wrote:
I thought the majesticness of the cupcakes was self evident.
...
and why are you so hung up on emotion? why does poetry need to reflect emotion? i'm not even saying mine doesn't , but modern/post-modern poetry is trending towards a more analytic exploration of the use of words, syntax, and language rather than emotional appeal.
You should maybe try some ancient "poetry" where they just did what you described here as modern/ post-modern.
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how am I supposed to read this? It seems all stinted and forced when I try to read it
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So when do the orcs invade and the mighty wizards summon spectral steeds and hurl fireballs and stuff? I am confuse :-\
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On December 22 2010 18:41 mmp wrote:
Poor Xeris, stuck with a couple of critics and know-it-alls. ^^ :p
The point of this was partially to see what people thought , I enjoy criticism because it helps me improve my writing  !!~
my whole point with the cupcakes was just to make something lighthearted and simple, it wasn't meant to be read too much into.
i hate wind, its cold and blows my hair in my face, it's annoying. cupcakes are so delicious, they distract me on a windy day... hence, majestic!
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On December 22 2010 21:55 Roe wrote:
how am I supposed to read this? It seems all stinted and forced when I try to read it
can you elaborate? i'm curious as to what you mean
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On December 22 2010 18:41 mmp wrote:
Poor Xeris, stuck with a couple of critics and know-it-alls. ^^ :p
Unsolicited advice is usually also unwelcome advice ^^
You have decent imagery, OP, I enjoyed that much  I prefer version A of Nom Nom Nom. Don't know which about tag on the roof. Didn't like the last poem.
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It's too easy to get caught up and stop using articles at the starts of lines or something and eliminating articles or something I don't know but it messes with the meter. I don't mean meter in the sense of the trad. prosodic meters or whatever but rather the natural constraints and feel of the English language.
"[P]eeled skin surface/ found what lay beneath" can then become something less cryptic and more towards "I peeled the skin surface/ and found what lay beneath" which from how I read the poem is the same thing you are trying to say but with a little bit more clarity (as an added bonus the line became a lot more naturally metered). Otherwise, a peeled skin surface is finding something beneath itself, and it's not an image that I would really feel comfortable with and I don't think most people would either.
I think that whole weekend poet thing can be pretty cool except I think you make a lot of missteps that I don't enjoy, although you as the poet will obviously know better about what you want the poem to be, like the self-referential "(I'm only telling you this because it's/ Satuday)" which I don't appreciate not only because it feels cheesy but because I don't understand what exactly you want to mean here. Rather than going on about what I feel a poet is and what a poet is and what a poet is I think I would do better to just wonder why Saturday is hanging around by himself. Saturday is only part of the weekend trio, I feel like if anyone was going to be the outcast, the unsocial go home early'er of the weekend that it would be Sunday and that Saturday and Friday would be nearly unseparable from each other. Saturday wouldn't be caught dead alone-- and with a poet no less.
I feel like the weekend poet wouldn't diminish himself and say "I'm just a poet" but that the weekend poet would celebrate himself- that the weekend poet would say "I am a poet-- I am the Riemann sum" but that's only because it has a nice ring to it. I'm not too hot with the idea of the entire second portion, but I suppose that you really like it since you left it virtually unchanged in your editing but at least do me a favor and write "penciled" instead of "pencil'd" because its like a syncope or something but not because nobody pronounces penciled as three syllables anyway unless you are trying to be frightfully truthful to the metric in which case that's the exception and not the standard. I feel like "pencil'd" is a word that admires himself in the mirror and honestly the more we can do away with words like that the better.
Nonetheless I think that it is marvelous that you write poetry and that writing poetry, among other things, is something that you enjoy. A lot of really good poets and writers started out writing poetry and stuff, so I always think that it could be promising whenever someone does.
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WCS
