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i'm going to paste a few lines that i wrote - the beginning of a story of sorts. afterwards ill ask a question
Droplets curled round the edge of the rooftop and splattered distinctly against the grey muddy ground. They were red, and upon them swam small chunks of severed flesh that would clot in the gutters for the mice and rats.
"Fuck - mind where you squirt that stuff! You made me drop half my kebab!" A squeaky, feminine voice screeched out, followed by a coarse growl of exasperation.
“Well don’t stand there then. You know my peripheral suffers in the dark.” This time a man, husky, cool and unafraid. Placing the empty ketchup bottle to one side, he flicked back a tuft of handsome ash hair. Glancing at his enraged companion, he sighed and lowered his own dish to offer a few spicy wedges of meat as compensation*. She greedily indulged.
did this passage make sense to you? were the dialogue and description in the "correct" places in order to express the image presented clearly?
im not really sure how to explain my problem, but maybe if you DO see a problem with the way the passage is written, you could describe and explain the problem to me?
thanks...
*"as compensation" was later added by me. is this phrase necessasry in order to help explain the situation to the reader? NOTE: maybe it should be "in compensation"?
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10810 Posts
I understood it, but it's not incredibly well written. Here's some changes I would make if it were my own writing, and I was editing. You can pick and choose what makes sense to you.
Droplets curled round the edge of the rooftop and splattered distinctly against the grey, muddy ground. They were red and swimming with small chunks of severed flesh that would soon clot the gutters for rats to devour.
"Fuck!" a squeaky feminine voice cried out, "mind where you squirt that stuff; You made me drop half my kebab!"
“Well then don’t stand there," said a man apathetically, "You know my peripheral suffers in the dark.” He was husky, cool and unafraid. He placed the empty ketchup bottle to one side, and flicked back a tuft of handsome ash hair. He glanced at his enraged companion, sighed, and lowered his own dish to offer a few spicy wedges of meat as compensation. She greedily indulged.
I think your main issue is you try to use lots of adjectives where an adverb might be better. I haven't changed the last sentence, but if it were my work I would be trying to think of a solution, because I think it sounds awkward. Either I would have to decide if it really mattered whether she was greedy about it, or I would write something that implied she was greedy. Indulge is already a pretty good word for that, so it almost boarders on redundancy anyway.
I didn't mind the word compensation though. To me it clears the question of whether he's just not hungry, or whether he's not doing it for any particular reason. It builds the character to be just a little compassionate (though complex, because earlier he claims no fault). The things that are a bit weird are extra details like rats and mice. I think they drag on the point a bit too long, and we pretty much get it at gutters. Unless you've got something special to say about the mice (I know you were trying to trick the reader into thinking this was some noir settup) unless it really works you should remove it. Remember that it doesn't really matter if you cut out details, what matters is that when you read the end product, it makes sense to you and feels good. The hardest part about being a writer is learning to be vicious with your own work.
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thanks a lot. what you've done is separate the dialogue and stuck descriptive bits inbetween. i think this was exactly what i was looking for to improve.... ill have a go.
thankyou!!!!!!!!
note: "she greedily indulged" -> part of provacative comedy that will be a part of this since i am using the names of people i know
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10810 Posts
Oh okay  That's fine.
Yeah, I just separated the word "Fuck" because I think it's more effective on it's own, at the start of a paragraph, which adds a bit of life.
Hope your friends like it ^^
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HAVE NO FEAR, I HAVE KETCHUP! *SLICKS HAIR!* -YEAH!-
Although, I like the OPs writing of fuck more just because that whole [something,said soandso, rest of sentence] style of writing gets boring fast. Much rather read that in a flash after the sentence has been spoken. Breaking it up makes the thought take longer to come out and that is annoying to me.
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i dont know. i know i certainly felt like there was a problem with it, and that seemed to resolve once i tried what he said. i finished it anyway. got a bit bored (can yuo guess where?) and the direction i took was crappy. im writing something different instead now
Droplets curled round the edge of the rooftop and splattered distinctly against the grey muddy ground. They were red, and upon them swam small chunks of severed flesh that would clot in the gutters for the rats and mice.
“Fuck!” a squeaky feminine voice cried out, “Mind where you squirt that stuff! You made me drop half my kebab!”
“Well don’t stand there then,” said a man apathetically. “You know my peripheral suffers in the dark.” Tossing the empty ketchup bottle to one side, he flung back a tuft of handsome ash-brown hair. Glancing at his enraged companion, he sighed and lowered his own dish to offer a few spicy wedges of meat as compensation. She greedily indulged.
“So...mhmm...mhmm...” The young woman moaned as she ate. “So why are we up here anyway? You said you wanted to look for something? I really hope so...I can’t think of many other reasons you’d drag me up to a rooftop in the middle of the night.”
“That is correct, Diana. We are indeed looking for something. Something...spectacular!” The handsome male once again flicked back his hair, as if the gesture was somehow indicative of the significance of his pursuit.
“Get on with it please Jonathan, I’m getting cold” interrupted Diana. It was evident that her friend was working up to a speech.
“Many years ago an old man lived in this building by the name of Jeffery Robertson. He was a strange, solitary person, and nobody would have known about him if it wasn’t for a certain fateful summer day. “
“July 2218! A time of great uncertainty for the people of Delph, wrought with depression and sick with disease-“
Bang! A gunshot rang out. Jonathan keeled over like a corpse, his body flopping against lead tiles with a violent crunch.
“Get down!” he hissed, evidently unscathed. “This is insane; they’re on to me already!?”
Wordlessly, Diana collapsed beside him, her furry eyebrows taught with shock. Signalling her to do the same, Jonathan eased his way to the base of the rooftop. Together they clambered onto the metal staircase from which they had ascended. Shouts could be heard from below.
“This is no good,” said Jonathan. “We’ve got to get out of here. Do you think you can do it?”
Diana’s eyes narrowed. In one brief moment she felt like striking him – that cocky, white-skinned shit. What the fuck has he involved her with? What the fuck is going on!?
“Diana!” Furious, she grabbed his arm, closed her eyes, and concentrated.
By the time the men had reached the rooftop, there was nobody to be found.
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EPT
