• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 20:46
CEST 02:46
KST 09:46
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
TL Team Map Contest #5: Presented by Monster Energy4Code S RO8 Preview: herO, Zoun, Bunny, Classic7Code S RO8 Preview: Rogue, GuMiho, Solar, Maru3BGE Stara Zagora 2025: Info & Preview27Code S RO12 Preview: GuMiho, Bunny, SHIN, ByuN3
Community News
Rogue & GuMiho RO8 interviews: "Lifting that trophy would be a testament to all I’ve had to overcome over the years and how far I’ve come on this journey.0Code S RO8 Results + RO4 Bracket (2025 Season 2)11BGE Stara Zagora 2025 - Replay Pack2Weekly Cups (June 2-8): herO doubles down1[BSL20] ProLeague: Bracket Stage & Dates9
StarCraft 2
General
Rogue & GuMiho RO8 interviews: "Lifting that trophy would be a testament to all I’ve had to overcome over the years and how far I’ve come on this journey. The SCII GOAT: A statistical Evaluation Code S RO8 Results + RO4 Bracket (2025 Season 2) feardragon: Blizzards biggest blunder with SC was… TL Team Map Contest #5: Presented by Monster Energy
Tourneys
RSL: Revival, a new crowdfunded tournament series [GSL 2025] Code S: Season 2 - Ro8 - Group A [GSL 2025] Code S: Season 2 - Ro8 - Group B SOOPer7s Showmatches 2025 Sparkling Tuna Cup - Weekly Open Tournament
Strategy
[G] Darkgrid Layout Simple Questions Simple Answers [G] PvT Cheese: 13 Gate Proxy Robo
Custom Maps
[UMS] Zillion Zerglings
External Content
Mutation # 477 Slow and Steady Mutation # 476 Charnel House Mutation # 475 Hard Target Mutation # 474 Futile Resistance
Brood War
General
BGH auto balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ Recent recommended BW games BW General Discussion FlaSh Witnesses SCV Pull Off the Impossible vs Shu StarCraft & BroodWar Campaign Speedrun Quest
Tourneys
[Megathread] Daily Proleagues [BSL 2v2] ProLeague Season 3 - Friday 21:00 CET Small VOD Thread 2.0 [BSL20] ProLeague Bracket Stage - Day 4
Strategy
I am doing this better than progamers do. [G] How to get started on ladder as a new Z player
Other Games
General Games
Path of Exile Nintendo Switch Thread Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread Beyond All Reason What do you want from future RTS games?
Dota 2
Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
Heroes of the Storm
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Heroes of StarCraft mini-set
TL Mafia
TL Mafia Community Thread Vanilla Mini Mafia
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Things Aren’t Peaceful in Palestine UK Politics Mega-thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread Vape Nation Thread
Fan Clubs
Maru Fan Club Serral Fan Club
Media & Entertainment
Korean Music Discussion [Manga] One Piece
Sports
2024 - 2025 Football Thread NHL Playoffs 2024 TeamLiquid Health and Fitness Initiative For 2023 Formula 1 Discussion
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread
TL Community
The Automated Ban List
Blogs
A Better Routine For Progame…
TrAiDoS
StarCraft improvement
iopq
Heero Yuy & the Tax…
KrillinFromwales
I was completely wrong ab…
jameswatts
Need Your Help/Advice
Glider
Trip to the Zoo
micronesia
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 27022 users

writing (does this make sense?)

Blogs > biomedical
Post a Reply
biomedical
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
235 Posts
Last Edited: 2009-10-10 15:01:02
October 10 2009 14:57 GMT
#1
i'm going to paste a few lines that i wrote - the beginning of a story of sorts. afterwards ill ask a question


Droplets curled round the edge of the rooftop and splattered distinctly against the grey muddy ground. They were red, and upon them swam small chunks of severed flesh that would clot in the gutters for the mice and rats.

"Fuck - mind where you squirt that stuff! You made me drop half my kebab!" A squeaky, feminine voice screeched out, followed by a coarse growl of exasperation.

“Well don’t stand there then. You know my peripheral suffers in the dark.” This time a man, husky, cool and unafraid. Placing the empty ketchup bottle to one side, he flicked back a tuft of handsome ash hair. Glancing at his enraged companion, he sighed and lowered his own dish to offer a few spicy wedges of meat as compensation*. She greedily indulged.



did this passage make sense to you? were the dialogue and description in the "correct" places in order to express the image presented clearly?

im not really sure how to explain my problem, but maybe if you DO see a problem with the way the passage is written, you could describe and explain the problem to me?

thanks...

*"as compensation" was later added by me. is this phrase necessasry in order to help explain the situation to the reader? NOTE: maybe it should be "in compensation"?

Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
Last Edited: 2009-10-10 15:38:03
October 10 2009 15:23 GMT
#2
I understood it, but it's not incredibly well written. Here's some changes I would make if it were my own writing, and I was editing. You can pick and choose what makes sense to you.

Droplets curled round the edge of the rooftop and splattered distinctly against the grey, muddy ground. They were red and swimming with small chunks of severed flesh that would soon clot the gutters for rats to devour.

"Fuck!" a squeaky feminine voice cried out, "mind where you squirt that stuff; You made me drop half my kebab!"

“Well then don’t stand there," said a man apathetically, "You know my peripheral suffers in the dark.” He was husky, cool and unafraid. He placed the empty ketchup bottle to one side, and flicked back a tuft of handsome ash hair. He glanced at his enraged companion, sighed, and lowered his own dish to offer a few spicy wedges of meat as compensation. She greedily indulged.


I think your main issue is you try to use lots of adjectives where an adverb might be better. I haven't changed the last sentence, but if it were my work I would be trying to think of a solution, because I think it sounds awkward. Either I would have to decide if it really mattered whether she was greedy about it, or I would write something that implied she was greedy. Indulge is already a pretty good word for that, so it almost boarders on redundancy anyway.

I didn't mind the word compensation though. To me it clears the question of whether he's just not hungry, or whether he's not doing it for any particular reason. It builds the character to be just a little compassionate (though complex, because earlier he claims no fault). The things that are a bit weird are extra details like rats and mice. I think they drag on the point a bit too long, and we pretty much get it at gutters. Unless you've got something special to say about the mice (I know you were trying to trick the reader into thinking this was some noir settup) unless it really works you should remove it. Remember that it doesn't really matter if you cut out details, what matters is that when you read the end product, it makes sense to you and feels good. The hardest part about being a writer is learning to be vicious with your own work.
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
biomedical
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
235 Posts
October 10 2009 15:35 GMT
#3
thanks a lot. what you've done is separate the dialogue and stuck descriptive bits inbetween. i think this was exactly what i was looking for to improve.... ill have a go.
thankyou!!!!!!!!

note: "she greedily indulged" -> part of provacative comedy that will be a part of this since i am using the names of people i know
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
October 10 2009 15:39 GMT
#4
Oh okay That's fine.

Yeah, I just separated the word "Fuck" because I think it's more effective on it's own, at the start of a paragraph, which adds a bit of life.

Hope your friends like it ^^
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
MiniRoman
Profile Blog Joined September 2003
Canada3953 Posts
Last Edited: 2009-10-10 17:11:18
October 10 2009 17:08 GMT
#5
HAVE NO FEAR, I HAVE KETCHUP! *SLICKS HAIR!* -YEAH!-

Although, I like the OPs writing of fuck more just because that whole [something,said soandso, rest of sentence] style of writing gets boring fast. Much rather read that in a flash after the sentence has been spoken. Breaking it up makes the thought take longer to come out and that is annoying to me.
Nak Allstar.
biomedical
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
235 Posts
Last Edited: 2009-10-10 17:24:16
October 10 2009 17:22 GMT
#6
i dont know. i know i certainly felt like there was a problem with it, and that seemed to resolve once i tried what he said. i finished it anyway. got a bit bored (can yuo guess where?) and the direction i took was crappy. im writing something different instead now


Droplets curled round the edge of the rooftop and splattered distinctly against the grey muddy ground. They were red, and upon them swam small chunks of severed flesh that would clot in the gutters for the rats and mice.

“Fuck!” a squeaky feminine voice cried out, “Mind where you squirt that stuff! You made me drop half my kebab!”

“Well don’t stand there then,” said a man apathetically. “You know my peripheral suffers in the dark.” Tossing the empty ketchup bottle to one side, he flung back a tuft of handsome ash-brown hair. Glancing at his enraged companion, he sighed and lowered his own dish to offer a few spicy wedges of meat as compensation. She greedily indulged.

“So...mhmm...mhmm...” The young woman moaned as she ate. “So why are we up here anyway? You said you wanted to look for something? I really hope so...I can’t think of many other reasons you’d drag me up to a rooftop in the middle of the night.”

“That is correct, Diana. We are indeed looking for something. Something...spectacular!” The handsome male once again flicked back his hair, as if the gesture was somehow indicative of the significance of his pursuit.

“Get on with it please Jonathan, I’m getting cold” interrupted Diana. It was evident that her friend was working up to a speech.

“Many years ago an old man lived in this building by the name of Jeffery Robertson. He was a strange, solitary person, and nobody would have known about him if it wasn’t for a certain fateful summer day. “

“July 2218! A time of great uncertainty for the people of Delph, wrought with depression and sick with disease-“

Bang! A gunshot rang out. Jonathan keeled over like a corpse, his body flopping against lead tiles with a violent crunch.

“Get down!” he hissed, evidently unscathed. “This is insane; they’re on to me already!?”

Wordlessly, Diana collapsed beside him, her furry eyebrows taught with shock. Signalling her to do the same, Jonathan eased his way to the base of the rooftop. Together they clambered onto the metal staircase from which they had ascended. Shouts could be heard from below.

“This is no good,” said Jonathan. “We’ve got to get out of here. Do you think you can do it?”

Diana’s eyes narrowed. In one brief moment she felt like striking him – that cocky, white-skinned shit. What the fuck has he involved her with? What the fuck is going on!?

“Diana!” Furious, she grabbed his arm, closed her eyes, and concentrated.

By the time the men had reached the rooftop, there was nobody to be found.


Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Next event in 2h 15m
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
PiGStarcraft407
RuFF_SC2 97
StarCraft: Brood War
Britney 19608
Dota 2
monkeys_forever569
Counter-Strike
flusha393
Foxcn263
Other Games
tarik_tv11054
summit1g9482
C9.Mang0842
shahzam721
ViBE201
Trikslyr67
FunKaTv 28
Organizations
Other Games
gamesdonequick803
StarCraft 2
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
sctven
[ Show 13 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• gosughost_ 2
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• LaughNgamezSOOP
• Migwel
• sooper7s
StarCraft: Brood War
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
League of Legends
• Doublelift5062
Other Games
• Scarra614
Upcoming Events
Korean StarCraft League
2h 15m
SOOP
8h 15m
sOs vs Percival
CranKy Ducklings
9h 15m
WardiTV Invitational
10h 15m
ByuN vs MaNa
MaxPax vs Solar
Reynor vs Creator
Gerald vs Spirit
Cheesadelphia
14h 15m
CSO Cup
16h 15m
BSL: ProLeague
17h 15m
Hawk vs UltrA
Sziky vs spx
TerrOr vs JDConan
GSL Code S
1d 7h
Rogue vs herO
Classic vs GuMiho
Sparkling Tuna Cup
1d 9h
BSL: ProLeague
1d 17h
Bonyth vs Dewalt
Cross vs Doodle
MadiNho vs Dragon
[ Show More ]
Replay Cast
1d 23h
Wardi Open
2 days
Replay Cast
2 days
Replay Cast
3 days
RSL Revival
3 days
Cure vs Percival
ByuN vs Spirit
RSL Revival
4 days
herO vs sOs
Zoun vs Clem
Replay Cast
4 days
The PondCast
5 days
RSL Revival
5 days
Serral vs SHIN
Solar vs Cham
Replay Cast
5 days
RSL Revival
6 days
Reynor vs Scarlett
ShoWTimE vs Classic
Liquipedia Results

Completed

CSL Season 17: Qualifier 2
BGE Stara Zagora 2025
Heroes 10 EU

Ongoing

JPL Season 2
BSL 2v2 Season 3
BSL Season 20
KCM Race Survival 2025 Season 2
NPSL S3
Rose Open S1
CSL 17: 2025 SUMMER
2025 GSL S2
BLAST.tv Austin Major 2025
ESL Impact League Season 7
IEM Dallas 2025
PGL Astana 2025
Asian Champions League '25
BLAST Rivals Spring 2025
MESA Nomadic Masters
CCT Season 2 Global Finals
IEM Melbourne 2025
YaLLa Compass Qatar 2025
PGL Bucharest 2025

Upcoming

Copa Latinoamericana 4
CSLPRO Last Chance 2025
CSLPRO Chat StarLAN 3
K-Championship
SEL Season 2 Championship
Esports World Cup 2025
HSC XXVII
Championship of Russia 2025
Murky Cup #2
Esports World Cup 2025
BLAST Bounty Fall 2025
BLAST Bounty Fall Qual
IEM Cologne 2025
FISSURE Playground #1
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2025 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.